Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
