you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
