I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
