He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My vagina is very pro this idea
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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