If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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