The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
