I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
