If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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