Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
