I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
