I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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