The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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