If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
