I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
