you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
