I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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