He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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