you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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