I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
