i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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