Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
