I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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