I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
