Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
