i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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