I'm so fucking centered right now
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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