She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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