dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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