and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
