it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Semen is not good for contacts.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize