I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
