he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
