I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Every concussion has its silver lining
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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