well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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