Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
