If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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