soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
