he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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