he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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