Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
