He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
