so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
