i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize