would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
