Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I looked at my own cervix.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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