I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
