He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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