It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
