You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
