omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
He passed out mid-signature
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
