I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
