so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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