i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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