Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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