Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
