Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
