I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Houston, we have a blender
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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