i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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