Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The beer is more important than you right now.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
We have so much sex to catch up on
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Randomize
