I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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